A goodbye Note

I'm currently at work, feeling numb from all the brainstorming session and the aftermath of meetings and discussions. Dont u guys just LOVE monday? I know I am. Nonetheless I thank God because I have such a busy work life, because it keeps my mind of missing her. I am missing her alot but I know its no use of doing that. Yeap I wont lie, I do feel lonely and when I look at pavillion or KLCC I think about the happy times we had. I hope she moved on because I want her to move on..there's no use of thinking of 'US' anymore because there is no more 'US'.

I would like to say I'm sorry if I stopped trying to rekindle our relationship. Not that I dont want to but I think this is for the best. One thing though I do hope that we could be friends, No No not the the best of friends but I do want to know how is she doing once in a while. I hope that she wont stop chasing her dreams and I hope that when she talked about me to her friends or her new bf, she would say that I have given her some positive energy throughout our relationship. I miss you. I will always remember you because you are my first LOVE, no one can forget their first time being in LOVE. Thank you for everything that you did..I am a better person because of you...

Too Little Too Late

I dont know where I stand right now. I am neither here nor there. Anyway, I broke up with my significant other last friday. Bukan I yang nak tapi I think both of us had enough with other. We are always quarelling and on each other's neck. We had a fight in Marks n Spencer...(out of all places kan?) very high drama. The climax of it when she said "YOU KNOW WHY I KEEP UP WITH YOU ALL THIS TIME? SEBAB I DONT HAVE A CHOICE..NOW I HAVE A CHOICE..AND I WANT TO GO AWAY FROM YOU" it hurts alot when someone you love with all your heart says that straight to your face kan? It clearly shows that she is not happy all this while and what can you do. I said.."IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE NOW..THEN GO".

Then suddenly on Monday night..she sms me wanting her things that she left in my car. She was all mad and fuming with anger..hence the text msg are all burning with her anger. I really dont want to settle our issue when one of us is feeling like that because, it will and it is proven that it will complicate things. Honestly speaking, I have no more feelings towards her, I lost her love and trust when I found out she have been sneaking around behind my back. I really cant take it. I am not confused. Yes I know I did contribute to this break up also, due to my short fuse and insecurerities but did she try to understand why am I feeling that way? Why am I feeling I will lose her eventually? Why am I feeling tired of arguing, screaming, swearing, crying, and moody? Did she know that everytime I saw her texting, talking on the phone and MMS-ing that guy I cringe inside? Dis she know that I feel like I cant do all this anymore? Yes I cant lie, I still do love her but we are two different person now, we dont row in the same boat, she is going right and I am going left. I need to be fair to my self. I had enough of when she love me I will be her king, her world and what not, but when things went crazy I'll receive emotional black mail sms, namescalling like pukimak, celaka, bodoh, sial and all? I dont need her "kau memang banyak menyusahkan aku selama ni" remarks..because I have never ask her anything..

I dont know where am I right now, I neither here nor there...all I know is I just want to be alone..and I need to LOVE myself...I am so sorry

Its been a while since i last blogged. I am super duper busy with my new work in Grey Worldwide and I am facing alot of relationship problems.

I dont want to dwell on it but I just cant help it. I think about it everyday and I am scared that it will affect my work. As of right now the problems are some what manageble but I dont know in the later days. By the way my significant other is busy hanging out with her friends. I am ok with her having friends but she is acting all funny and resulting me in making negative assumptions. Her so called friend is calling her every other time, texting her, and want to meet up almost everyday. The other day she went out with them and came back at 5 am!! I was at home waiting for her and feeling worried. When I confronted her, she became very defensive and turns the table around. I have been feeling vulnerable everyday since that 5 am incident. Since then, she have been finding time to hang out with them and ditching me. When I am with her I know that she is thinking of them. Before you think I am being paranoid and a acting all dramatic, I would like to highlight a few things she have done for me to think that she is seeing someone behund my back. Do correct me if I am wrong

1. There was this one time when that guy call her, she walk out of the room to talk to the guy

2. She constantly talked about that guy and how much their 'friendship' is important to her

3. Once when that guy call she refered to me as her friend, saying "I am having lunch with my friend"

4. She went out yesterday with that guy and his friends when I already made plans with her

5. When she had late night outings with them the previous night and she will make up excuses to not hang out with me saying that "Im tired, I hardly have enough sleep these days"

6. She is accusing me of being jelous of her activities with her friends

7. She lied to me in the first place about all this

If I am being paranoid please do give me a big slap in the face. Right now I dont know what to do. She said she love me and wont leave me, but why is she doing this? why is she breaking my heart bit by bit? why is she choosing me over her friends? where did I go wrong? I felt like I am the one who is trying my best to make this relationship work and making it everlasting. I felt like she doesn't even care where we are heading. I LOVE HER SO MUCH to lose her this way. I want closure, I asked her so many times about this..I asked her to tell me the truth, the whole truth of what is going on with her and her new found friend but her answer is still the same - SHE IS NOT CHEATING ON ME AND WILL NOT LEAVE ME. But why is it hard for me to believe that? Am I being selfish and stupid to know the real deal is?

I need some answer, I dont know what to do right now, I love her and I want to love her forever because she means alot to me, I know I wont find anyone like her. God please give me strength to get thru this, because I really need it.

.:Gimme Gimme More..Gimme Gimme:.

I'm at work right now, just after lunch and I so had it with this job. I think that this is my one millionth post about how i hate my job. Why is it so hard for me to just find a job that my heart says 'yeah this is the job for me'. Not that I cant do any work or anything, I am a good worker, I can do alot and achieve anything. The problem that I am having right now is that the environment here sux and it sux big time.

Ntah lah I dont know when I will get a job that I really love. I have been sending CVs to alot of companies and have gotten several feedbacks. The one that got me thinking is the one that Amirrul is offering to me. A manager post for an event company. Which sounds good. I hope the pay is 3 thou because thats the pay I am asking. So i'll be going over for an interview later this week and I hope I'll nail the job. But I need to prepare myself this 'bigger pay means bigger responsibilities'.

Anyway, I also send in my CV to Vernon Kedit - The Manager. Hhahaha I know I berangan but it doesnt hurt to try aight? He replied back and I hope my ever so blow-you-out-of-your-mind CV will score some points. Pray for me aight...thank you

.:Of V for Valentine:.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day already. How time flies..and its gonna be my first full of love Valentine's Day. All this while I've been celebrating Valentine's Day with rasa yang amat terpaksa. I hope you know what I mean by that. This time around, its gonna be real nice. I already bought a card, Love Coupons, movie tickets and I'm planning to buy a chocolate cupcake. I know its not a romantic candle light dinner at some fancy place or the diamond encrusted bracelet kind of gifts, but I am what I am...plus thank god my significant other is not that demanding. "Anything by you is sweet and thoughtful already sayang, don't dwell about the fancy stuff. I am not that kind of person". I am so lucky to have her in my life....

To my bucuk, I would like to wish you Happy Valentine's Day - Thank you for loving me

.:Of Anal Clients and Mi Love:.

Hey there again, I am at my workstation right now...with the ipod full blast in my ears. I am in a state of dazed and the feeling of killing someone or something is growing strong within me right now. This is because I have an anal clients. I am handling several account of very fickle and somewhat retarded clients. I have this client that is suppose to be the Information Technology department of a top Uni in Malaysia but they are a PAIN. Every little thing they would call or should I say HARASS my life. For instance, the other day their website were down for about 3 minutes and they already bombarded and calling me through my cell, office phone and emails...can they can any more anal and clingy? They refuse to listen, they want things done their way but they want us to give them ideas. I cant understand them. If they want things go their way, why the fuck they requested my ideas in the first place? Double Fuck btol. Another one is a conglomerate company in Malaysia and they can Fucked up my day so good I almost felt like I just go through this 3 days non stop fuck fest. They kept changing their mind and keep having second thoughts on things. For instance just 2 days ago they agreed to the already changed image and copy on their website but late last night (at about 12am to be exact) one of the CEO's bitches emailed me wanting the already amended items to be change again for the 5th time....I was like what the fuck??. The shitty part is I dont understand at all what she requested for. I dont see anything wrong with the present one. God can my clients get any difficult than this??

The only consolation for me is that tomorrow onwards will be a long holiday and my brother in law will be back in town...I am so looking foward to what he bought for me. And I am also looking foward to play with my nephew. He is only a week old and I am inlove with him...and I am missing him when I'm at work...I am also going for a movie tonight with Cinta Agungku...I cant wait. I miss my Bucuk so much it hurts...

.:Of Work and In Love:.

I don't know where to start actually. Things have been falling down on my head and its heavy. With work that demands most of my time and with a love life that is challenging its a miracle i can still blog and breathe right now. Work is exciting, the environment is great, the people are fun but...i kept thinking about my boss's expectation of me. Before you begin, lemme tell you this i am a worry wart..i know i can deliver but at the back of my mind i kept thinking "what if i cannot deliver?".As of right now i am still learning and i am learning fast to everything that is being taught to me...and i give myself 2 month to really be good in what i am doing.. For the record, i think i am doing ok...seeing that i managed to do a rather good damage control effort and be quick when it comes to putting out the fire.

Moving on to my love life...where should i begin? we are are always on each other's neck? Every little things can make us bite each other's tongue. I dont know what is wrong with us...i mean i love her so much and i know that she feels the same way too but sometimes it takes the whole world to let her know that i Love her. I sometimes feels like i have to share her with her house mate and her abang angkat. Seeing the 'sayang-sayang' text messages in her cell phone makes me cringe even more. I know the 'sayang' from her house mate and abang angkat means nothing to them n to her, but i thought i am the only one who have the rights to speak and text as such. i know i am being a selfish jerk but i cant help myself to feel annoyed and feeling not wanted when she devote her attention to them instead of me. For instance; the other day we went out to watch a movie, and after the movie she wanted to call her house mate, hey im fine with it, but what ticks me off is that she spent almost 20 minutes talking on the phone and ignored me. Who in the sound of mind wouldn't feel jealous? Yours truly got so pissed off and i just walked to the lifts feeling numb inside. Later we had a heated argument in the car, and we started to explode at each other. It is always like that, i am always the jealous one who cannot control my jealousy...but the truth is i am scared...i am scared to lose her...too scared that she walked out of my life and leaving me all empty and bare inside...she is so important to me...i wish she know how much she means to me. Its been over 5 month since the day i fall in love with her..and i know despite all this we are going strong and we will be forever...i love her so much to let this small issue eat me up inside...Sayangku, Cinta Agungku...if you are reading this..i want u to know that u sorang je yang boleh buat i gembira and sedih, u sorang je yg boleh bawak i naik setinggi langit ke 7 and jatuh kan i ke bawah kembali....tp walau apa pun halangan and rintangan yang bakal datang sayang ketahuilah yang i takkan pernah akan rasa penat dan mengalah dengan segalanya....semakin kuat cabaran semakin kuat rasa cinta i dkt u....I LOVE U so much Bucuk