Too Little Too Late

I dont know where I stand right now. I am neither here nor there. Anyway, I broke up with my significant other last friday. Bukan I yang nak tapi I think both of us had enough with other. We are always quarelling and on each other's neck. We had a fight in Marks n Spencer...(out of all places kan?) very high drama. The climax of it when she said "YOU KNOW WHY I KEEP UP WITH YOU ALL THIS TIME? SEBAB I DONT HAVE A CHOICE..NOW I HAVE A CHOICE..AND I WANT TO GO AWAY FROM YOU" it hurts alot when someone you love with all your heart says that straight to your face kan? It clearly shows that she is not happy all this while and what can you do. I said.."IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE NOW..THEN GO".

Then suddenly on Monday night..she sms me wanting her things that she left in my car. She was all mad and fuming with anger..hence the text msg are all burning with her anger. I really dont want to settle our issue when one of us is feeling like that because, it will and it is proven that it will complicate things. Honestly speaking, I have no more feelings towards her, I lost her love and trust when I found out she have been sneaking around behind my back. I really cant take it. I am not confused. Yes I know I did contribute to this break up also, due to my short fuse and insecurerities but did she try to understand why am I feeling that way? Why am I feeling I will lose her eventually? Why am I feeling tired of arguing, screaming, swearing, crying, and moody? Did she know that everytime I saw her texting, talking on the phone and MMS-ing that guy I cringe inside? Dis she know that I feel like I cant do all this anymore? Yes I cant lie, I still do love her but we are two different person now, we dont row in the same boat, she is going right and I am going left. I need to be fair to my self. I had enough of when she love me I will be her king, her world and what not, but when things went crazy I'll receive emotional black mail sms, namescalling like pukimak, celaka, bodoh, sial and all? I dont need her "kau memang banyak menyusahkan aku selama ni" remarks..because I have never ask her anything..

I dont know where am I right now, I neither here nor there...all I know is I just want to be alone..and I need to LOVE myself...I am so sorry

Its been a while since i last blogged. I am super duper busy with my new work in Grey Worldwide and I am facing alot of relationship problems.

I dont want to dwell on it but I just cant help it. I think about it everyday and I am scared that it will affect my work. As of right now the problems are some what manageble but I dont know in the later days. By the way my significant other is busy hanging out with her friends. I am ok with her having friends but she is acting all funny and resulting me in making negative assumptions. Her so called friend is calling her every other time, texting her, and want to meet up almost everyday. The other day she went out with them and came back at 5 am!! I was at home waiting for her and feeling worried. When I confronted her, she became very defensive and turns the table around. I have been feeling vulnerable everyday since that 5 am incident. Since then, she have been finding time to hang out with them and ditching me. When I am with her I know that she is thinking of them. Before you think I am being paranoid and a acting all dramatic, I would like to highlight a few things she have done for me to think that she is seeing someone behund my back. Do correct me if I am wrong

1. There was this one time when that guy call her, she walk out of the room to talk to the guy

2. She constantly talked about that guy and how much their 'friendship' is important to her

3. Once when that guy call she refered to me as her friend, saying "I am having lunch with my friend"

4. She went out yesterday with that guy and his friends when I already made plans with her

5. When she had late night outings with them the previous night and she will make up excuses to not hang out with me saying that "Im tired, I hardly have enough sleep these days"

6. She is accusing me of being jelous of her activities with her friends

7. She lied to me in the first place about all this

If I am being paranoid please do give me a big slap in the face. Right now I dont know what to do. She said she love me and wont leave me, but why is she doing this? why is she breaking my heart bit by bit? why is she choosing me over her friends? where did I go wrong? I felt like I am the one who is trying my best to make this relationship work and making it everlasting. I felt like she doesn't even care where we are heading. I LOVE HER SO MUCH to lose her this way. I want closure, I asked her so many times about this..I asked her to tell me the truth, the whole truth of what is going on with her and her new found friend but her answer is still the same - SHE IS NOT CHEATING ON ME AND WILL NOT LEAVE ME. But why is it hard for me to believe that? Am I being selfish and stupid to know the real deal is?

I need some answer, I dont know what to do right now, I love her and I want to love her forever because she means alot to me, I know I wont find anyone like her. God please give me strength to get thru this, because I really need it.